It never ends. Managing the invisible mental load
The holidays are around the corner… purchase gifts for everyone, wrap the gifts, plan the feasts, clean the house, feed the baby, ensure the in-laws enjoy themselves, prepare and pack for the visits to family, hope that baby doesn’t get sick, still organize a nice outfit for yourself... oh and wrap up at work, pack the lunch bag, the winter boots, the extra pair of gloves, and schedule that next doctor’s appointment for baby and and and… and wait, when was time planned for myself?
Does this never-ending to do list leave you feeling overwhelmed? And you sometimes don’t even know where to start?
When we experience this, we oftentimes blame ourselves. I just can’t seem to get it all done. I am not good enough.
But what if WE are not the problem?
When the invisible mental load is too much, we are often unable to prioritize and think clear. But the reality is that there are areas where we can let go and instead focus on what matters.
The mental invisible load oftentimes is carried by the mother. The pull between thinking of everything to meet the child’s needs, the husband’s needs, employer’s needs and run the household oftentimes leaves the own needs left behind and leaves us feeling as if we can’t meet everyone else’s expectations either. It leaves us feeling powerless.
I feel the mental load the most, when either my child is sick or when I have a deadline at work or both at the same time. Managing through the emotions, the fears, the overwhelm, the expectations, the endless to-do lists yet trying to be a good mother, and a calm and centred wife is hard work. For everyone.
In those stressful situations, when my mental load became too big, almost unbearable, I could observe my breath being shallow, high up in my chest, my shoulders pulled up to my ears and feeling tense. I would lose it quickly and my answers would be short. I was not present anymore but wrapped up by self- inflicted expectations or my endless to-do list and I would almost feel sorry for myself and my stress.
The good news. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Everyone deals with it a little bit different. And some just push through, hoping it will get better at one point. But life with kids will always be full. So why not make this an enjoyable time?
I want to share with you what works best for me to manage the mental invisible load. I am a type A, typical over thinker, yet I have access to tools and practices that help me to act with more calm and ease. This is not a one and done but a consistent practice because the invisible load never goes away, mom life will always be full and life will continue to happen.
1. Overcoming guilt and perfectionism
The number one thing that helped me was to redefine what success means to me. Change my self-talk and with that my self-worth. Easier said than done! What helps me is journaling. I love journaling, it’s the best way for me to keep me ‘dialed in’ on my path.
As a perfectionist - who isn’t? - it has been extra tough for me to let go of the idea that everything needs to be perfect. It’s okay if the toys are all across the living room, it’s okay if he has some food bits on his shirt, it’s okay if the windows are not being cleaned again after I cleaned them yesterday and are yet having fingerprints all over again. It’s okay.
Embracing “imperfectionism” and celebrate it, has helped me a lot to manage and reduce my mental load - in every area of life. Letting go…
2.Time and Self-Management
There are plenty of mom blogs and resources out there to provide support to plan your meals, plan your week etc. I’m personally not a fan of it for two reasons. First, it puts me right back into ‘perfectionism’ mindset - what if I don’t follow the plan? And second it takes me out of the present moment and has me focus on the plan. Don’t get me wrong, I stock up my fridge for the week as well, and think about some dishes I want to make during the week, but I want to leave room for spontaneity and be flexible to our needs and wants.
Yet planning overall is something that I enjoy doing, but always with a degree of flexibility. The way I plan and prioritize my time, is based on my values. My values inform what I want to focus on in my day. Let’s say my top 3 values are Family, Health and Self-Actualization, I would equally ensure that I spend enough time with my family, include time in my day or throughout my day to take care of my body and my mind as well as work on tasks that fill my cup.
And I talk about this a lot, but I can’t emphasize it enough - if I don’t prioritize myself, I can’t take care of everyone else. Incorporating self-care into my daily routines is a non-negotiable for me to create space and distance myself from the mental load by just being present with myself. I put a blocker in my calendar that reminds me every day of my 30 minutes of self-care. It’s up to me how I use the time. But the time has to be spent with myself, not my phone and not my inbox.
3.Creating your support tribe
Your partner is there to help and support you. And did you know that fathers today 3x more involved than 50 years ago. There is a lot of progress in the right direction. My husband is luckily pretty involved and does all the same tasks that I do. Equal parenting rules are so important especially if both partners work. Constant communication is key. Even when we think, we can do it all, it’s okay to ask for help and also delegate to your partner.
Another one that requires a thought through conversation is with your employer. It is important to set clear expectations and be transparent about boundaries. This doesn’t make you a less attractive employee - I would say the opposite, it makes you a confident employee who knows what they can deliver and knows that boundaries are the only way to succeed in the long run - because nobody wants to burn out and nobody wants a burnt out employee. When I started my new job, I decided to block out the times in my calendar that are family time between 4.30-7.30pm and communicated that to my peers. Everyone respects it. Are there exceptions, yes. But they are not the norm.
And lastly get your supportive mom group together. Find your tribe. Having a group of women who you can be completely honest with, without being judged, is worth so much. And by the way, this group might not be your usual friend group. And that’s okay.
Lastly, the most important thing to acknowledge is the ongoing journey and a willingness to work on yourself as well as prioritize your self-care. It’s the only way to stay calm and confident when managing the chaos.
About the author
Miriam Lesa is a multi-dimensional certified soul & life coach for women, nutritionist, yoga teacher and business strategist, practicing the art of slow living since almost 10 years. Her heart is at the intersection between wellbeing, motherhood and business.
Attuned to corporate life and navigating C-Suite for 15 years, yet grounded in peace, intuition and connections, she is deeply passionate about supporting women, especially working moms to access their inner compass to ignite their strength and live a life in abundance.
Born and raised in Germany, Miriam now lives with her husband and son in Toronto since 2018.
