The Myth of the Perfect Balance
“You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people.” (America Ferrera in Barbie)
Anybody else feeling the pressure of having to want it all. And all at the same time?
When I was a stay-at-home mom with my baby boy, I haven’t been respected by many people the same way as when I had worked in the corporate environment. “Oh but, you are just at home”
And when I started working again and sent my son to daycare, picking him up at 4.30pm I had to hear “wow, he goes to daycare ALL DAY”?
And the worst of all of this: it usually comes from women, or even fellow moms. Does this make anybody else sad?
Instead of lifting each other up, we often make each other feel even worse.
Most women who I know, want it all.
the perfect family
the perfect Pinterest house
fun hobbies and a social life
a great relationship with date nights
a consistent self-care routine
and of course that fulfilling career
But in this fast-paced world of ambitious career moms, achieving a harmonious balance requires embracing the notion that wanting it all doesn’t necessarily mean wanting it all at once.
What does balance mean anyways?
A balance means that there is some sort of harmony and equal distribution between the time or energy allocated to all things in life.
Now some people speak of work-life integration, but in reality, it’s just a different word for the same thing - only that there is more fluidity between things which is likely more realistic today anyway.
Regardless of what you call it, the underlying problem of executive working mom’s pain is the ideal, we are setting ourselves up to achieve, that is just not achievable. What we see or think is what we want to achieve are glimpses from somebody else’s life that show us what this person’s current focus is. Be it the working mother who is thriving in her career before she goes and picks up her kids or attends their soccer games. Or be it the loving stay at home mom who has just cooked the perfect dinner for the family after a day of fun activities with kids. We tend to compare ourselves with those extremes which has our own lifestyle fall short and makes us think we have to do the same ALL THE TIME. (Of course social media has its fair share of portraying a wrong ideal here as well.)
But let’s be real.
Everyone falls short in at least one, more likely two or three things of the list above. If they have the perfect career, there might be a lack of date nights with the husband or a consistent self-care routine. And if they have the perfect tidy house and fun hobbies, they might be stuck in an unfulfilling job.
So let’s unpack some ways that make you see beyond those unrealistic ideals.
Here are my proven strategies to live up to my reality and mute when other women (or men) try to tell me where I’m failing:
Perspective: the acknowledgement that nothing is permanent and everything will pass, even the hardest days, nights and years, but also the most joyful, beautiful and fun ones. This one always helps me to get back into the here and now.
Values: Dialing up my values and knowing my priorities is critical when it comes to finding “balance” in my every day. It is impossible to do it all, neither should we, but with a strong identification of your values, at least you will be guided towards what matters and not spend time on what doesn’t.
Living in “seasons”: this one brings it all together. I personally live in “sprints” or “seasons”. There is the time when I have a creative boost and work a lot, and there are other times when I focus on cooking / baking / cleaning and other times when I am just tired and don’t want to do anything. The worst thing is to beat yourself up when you do one or the other and think you should do something else. Acknowledging and appreciating this phase of your life, whether it’s a couple of weeks or a couple of months or even years will have you lean into it more. A great example is when you are missing date nights or in general night outs as a new mother and then finally get to go out and all you can think of is how your baby is doing. Are you actually enjoying yourself or just chasing a version of an ideal that you had before becoming a mother? (And that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out as a new mom, but do it for the right reasons so that you actually enjoy yourself.)
These mindset strategies can help you re-program yourself towards abundance and the realization of simply “being enough”. And in my point of view this is always the starting point.
And then there are also the good old time management tools that help set boundaries. Or you could also call it your “bottoms up approach”.
Time mastery can be extremely valuable especially for people who have little structure in their days right now and are unsure where to start with those mindset strategies. Because let’s be honest, it is hard and usually easier to implement with a coach or accountability partner. This time mastery worksheet helps you to schedule that self-care time, or date night (yes, I know) or whatever else is on your mind that you don’t get to if you don’t set your boundaries or put it in your calendar.
I don’t have to tell you that “no” is a full sentence that you better start using.
Take it from Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx who says it best “The struggle is real. The juggle is real. That’s why everyone should hire working mothers. They are put in crazy situations all the time and are force to problem-solve. They are some of my most resourceful employees.”
Download your copy of the time mastery worksheet here
About the author
Miriam Lesa is a multi-dimensional certified soul & life coach for women, nutritionist, yoga teacher and business strategist, practicing the art of slow living since almost 10 years. Her heart is at the intersection between wellbeing, motherhood and business.
Attuned to corporate life and navigating C-Suite for 15 years, yet grounded in peace, intuition and connections, she is deeply passionate about supporting women, especially working moms to access their inner compass to ignite their strength and live a life in abundance.
Born and raised in Germany, Miriam now lives with her husband and son in Toronto since 2018.
