From mess to magic: how to navigate a mother’s identity shift

What is the biggest challenge of becoming a mom?

I asked this question recently to my mom & baby yoga group. And beside what everyone tells you on the surface, when digging deeper, every mom agreed that their biggest challenge is the identity shift that comes with entering and progressing in motherhood.

I always wanted to be a mom. And when I finally was pregnant and had my baby boy, I couldn’t be happier to be called a MOM.

As a typical type A high-achiever I approached motherhood, the way I approached everything in my career. I will figure it out. It can’t be that difficult. I will have all this time to do other fun things and then I’ll return to work, continue where I left of, maybe there will be another promotion. I can easily do it all.  

Anybody else had those thoughts before becoming a mom?

And then you were surprised that you actually loved changing diapers, being a walking 24h breast milk supplier, cleaning up all the drool and spit and runny noses and dirty little hands. I did not miss work at all. I loved being a stay-at-home mom. Most of the things that I thought I would never do as a mom, I ended up doing, including breastfeeding my son for 16 months.

And when the end of my mat leave approached, something unexpected happened that shook my perfect little stay-at-home mom world up. I was laid off at work due to a massive restructure. At first, it was a shock, and then it sounded like perfect timing since it allowed me to spend more time with my son. And I loved spending time with him.

But eventually the entire situation ended up turning into a major identity crisis, and an almost burnout.

First, I enjoyed the extra time at home, and then I got bored and exhausted at the same time. A part of me firmly believed that this is all meant to be, and I have the beautiful privilege to spend more time with my son, yet another part of me wanted to have this feeling of accomplishment again, grown up conversations, using that other side of my brain that felt completely underused.

I put pressure on myself to find a new job, which turned out to be incredibly difficult with a 14 months old who was extremely active and at the same time very attached to me. The conflict between external expectations (and some of my own old expectations) about my next career step (eg. I need to achieve the next level) and the desire to spend as much time as possible with my son, led me to not knowing anymore what I truly want. In addition to that, the lack of time to properly reflect, yet frantically searching for a new job while caring for a toddler 24/7 put me into a downward spiral that led to confusion, overwhelm, anxiety and exhaustion to a level I never felt before.

I found myself in a huge identity crisis, not knowing who I am, or what I want and at the same time I felt incredibly guilty for not enjoying the time with my son the way I should because I was simply so exhausted from the mental burden, I put on myself.

And then I had a pivotal (and also slightly embarrassing) moment, that made me pause.

While preparing a soup in our instant pot that I had put on the stove, I accidentally turned on the gas stove and not the instant pot. When it smelled burnt in the house, I realized that the plastic on the bottom of the instant pot was slowly melting. I had set the instant pot on fire and was lucky that we didn’t have an explosion in the kitchen and I noticed it just in time. Please tell me I am not the only one who does things like this?!

At that point I realized that I was not present anymore, my thoughts and exhaustion had taken over my body. I needed a break. And I needed support.

After eliminating everything that didn’t serve me at the time, including job search, and focusing every free minute on myself and my selfcare, things started to turn around.

From feeling confused about who I am and who I wanted to be, to making a work/life plan that worked for me and our family.

While my situation is not the norm for mothers during mat leave, what is the norm? We all undergo the identity shift and sooner or later we question who we are, and who we want to be, and sometimes we even wonder if we could be again who we were before? And if we don’t catch ourselves to navigate through what this identity shift means for us and just figure out how to carry on, I have to tell you that there is a reason why burnout amongst working moms is at an all time high of 47% in Canada. Life always catches up with us. And what we resist, persists.

I learnt that 3 things are critical to navigate the identity shift and turn your mess into magic:

1. Redefine your values

Our values are our guiding principles that determine how we live our lives and if lived, fulfills us and makes us better. Although your values might roughly stay the same over several years, they are fluid in what is most important at any given time. For example, balance was always one of my values, even before motherhood. Yet as a mother, all that I am craving is balance, time for myself, time with my family, time for self-actualization - and all of this without losing myself. Check out my FREE workbook to define your values.

2. Redefine success

Before motherhood, you might have seen success as achievements in your career or in life. Becoming a mother has likely changed your perspective here. I invite you to define what success means for you (not anybody else), but YOU! For me for example, success is achieving peace of mind every day.

3. Redefine yourself

This is likely the hardest one, because it means that we need to let go of that old identity from pre motherhood, and fully embrace our new identity now and where it will take us in the future. Once I came to terms, what I want my future self to look like, things fell into place, and I experienced a lot of clarity, confidence and calm. And with that a job that I love and which aligns with my values, my definition of success and my new identity.

If this approach resonates with you, like, comment and share it with your friends and follow me on Instagram for more tips on navigating the identity shift, self-care and living life unapologetically authentic as working mom of young ones.

You want to dive deeper, get your FREE guide to determine your values HERE

About the author

Miriam Lesa is a multi-dimensional certified soul & life coach for women, nutritionist, yoga teacher and business strategist, practicing the art of slow living since almost 10 years. Her heart is at the intersection between wellbeing, motherhood and business.

Attuned to corporate life and navigating C-Suite for 15 years, yet grounded in peace, intuition and connections, she is deeply passionate about supporting women, especially working moms to access their inner compass to ignite their strength and live a life in abundance.

Born and raised in Germany, Miriam now lives with her husband and son in Toronto since 2018.